Always a Work in Progress, Forever In Love with the Process

No one is a bigger critic or talks more shit about me……..than me.

Internal dialogue is a funny thing.

Our entire life is a one player game.

We have friends, family, co-workers, and a myriad of other people who are contributors to our lives. But at the end of day when you put your head on the pillow at night, it’s only you talking to you.

My entire existence, I’ve had a chip on my shoulder. I love to compete in everything that I do. Throughout this “competition” I’ve always had ‘haters’ or ‘non-believers’ that I’ve had to prove wrong.

There has always been a drive to climb to the top. At first it was to show my hometown of Dillon, MT that I was destined for bigger and better things. Then it was to exceed any sort of limitations set on me; like being small and playing college football, being the first in my family to get a master’s degree, or dispel any other flippant off handed doubt thrown my way.

It was always a battle.

I was always at war.

But as I’ve achieved and reflected on my life, I realize I have far more allies than enemies. People are rooting for me. Sure, there will always be someone who doesn’t like you or the way you do things. But the majority of people in your circle like you and want you to win.

So how do you keep that edge? If the majority isn’t out to get you then where does the chip on your shoulder go?

At 37 years old, I’m not done achieving. I still have dreams and goals. But if I’m not angry or in the fight then how do I move forward with passion and drive?

As I reconcile these feelings, slowly, and without warning, my internal voice began speaking. Instead of facing outward and telling me to ‘bury’ my enemies…..it turned inward against me.

‘You’re not good enough.’

‘You ate too much yesterday fatty.’

‘You’re not disciplined enough.’

‘You can do better.’

‘You can work harder.’

‘You’re not a good dad.’

‘You’re not doing enough.’

‘You’re lazy.’

On one hand, I have very high standards of myself and who I should be. I’m proud of the standard I’ve set, my accomplishments, how I’ve stuck to the plan, and who I am becoming as a man. At the same time, these high standards prompt me to beat me up.

The things I care about most and have full control of; fatherhood, physical fitness, and my business; I’m finding, are the things that I kick my own ass over.

As of late, this has beat me down. I’m exhausted from the constant work prompted from the high standards and the negative inner voice.

So I’ve done some soul searching and realized something…….

I need to be nicer to me.

Celebrate the things I have done.

Enjoy the daily work, knowing that the work isn’t done and it never will be.

That I’m not perfect.

That I am good at what I do.

Having high standards and lofty goals for yourself is a good thing. But loving on yourself, celebrating who you are currently, and what you do on a daily basis is more important than any end result.

This has been a good reminder that I’ll always be a work in progress and forever in love with the process.

Love yourself first.

Alex de Golia